Friends with benefits rules: how to keep FWB fun and drama-free

What does friends with benefits mean?

Friends with benefits means two people who sleep together and like each other's company, but have agreed they are not a couple. Nobody is working towards moving in or meeting the parents. You might also see it written as FWB on a profile. It differs from a one-night stand because you keep seeing each other, and it differs from a relationship because neither of you owes the other a future.

That middle ground is exactly why people like it, and exactly why it goes wrong. Without the usual script of dating, you have to write your own, which is what the rules below are for.

What are the rules of friends with benefits?

The rules of friends with benefits are simply the things you both agree on before it starts: what this is, whether either of you sees other people, how you handle safer sex, who knows about it, how often you meet and how either of you can end it. They are not a contract. They are one honest conversation that saves several awkward ones later.

1. Say out loud what this is

Agree in words that this is casual, rather than assuming the other person reads it the same way. A quick "so we're keeping this fun and easy, yes?" does more than weeks of hints. If one of you secretly hopes it turns into more, better to find out now.

2. Decide whether it is exclusive

Most are not exclusive, but do not take that for granted. Talk about whether either of you is seeing, or might see, other people, and whether you want to be told. There is no right answer here, only an agreed one.

3. Make safer sex part of the deal

Safer sex belongs in the agreement, not in the moment. The NHS says that using a condom every time is the best way to protect you and your partner from HIV and other STIs, and that sexual health clinics in England are free, confidential and open to everyone. In the US, the CDC says many clinics offer free or low-cost, confidential testing, and its Get Tested finder lists them. If the arrangement is not exclusive, agree how often you both get checked.

4. Agree who gets to know

Decide together whether your friends, your housemates or your group chat hear about this. Some people are happy to be open; others would rather keep it entirely between the two of you. Keeping it discreet is easier when you agree on it, rather than one of you letting it slip at a party.

5. Set how often you meet and talk

An arrangement like this works best when expectations about contact match. Is it a standing Friday, a text when one of you is free, or something in between? Agree whether you message each other between meetups, and whether staying over is part of it.

6. Agree how it ends

Every arrangement like this ends sometime, usually because one of you meets someone or simply wants something else. Agree now that either of you can call it off, kindly and without a long explanation, and that you will say so rather than fade out. A clean ending is what lets you stay on good terms.

What should you do if feelings change in an FWB?

If feelings change, say so early, even if it is uncomfortable. Catching feelings is common and nothing to be embarrassed about. What hurts is hiding it: carrying on as if nothing has changed while hoping the other person notices.

Once it is said, there are really three paths. You both want more and try dating properly; you take a break to let things settle; or you end it and, if you can, stay friends later. Checking in every few weeks with a simple "is this still working for you?" means changes come up before they become a problem.

Should your FWB be a friend you already know?

Your FWB does not have to be someone you already know, and often it is simpler if it is not. Turning an existing friendship physical puts that friendship at risk, and mutual friends complicate the privacy part. Meeting someone new who wants the same thing starts the arrangement on clear terms.

An existing friend or someone new: what changes

Question	A friend you already know	Someone you meet online
Do you know what they want?	Not until you ask, and asking can feel risky	On a casual dating site, they have usually said so on their profile
What is at stake?	The friendship, and possibly your friend group	Much less: you start with no shared history
Privacy	Mutual friends may notice	Easier to keep between the two of you
Ending it	You will keep running into each other	A clean ending is simpler

How do you find a friend with benefits?

The easiest way to find a friend with benefits is a site where people state up front that they want something casual, so you are not guessing who is open to it. On Joydate, a casual dating site for adults, you join free, say on your profile what you are looking for and browse members near you. A few messages a day are free, and VIP makes messaging unlimited and adds filters for city, distance and what people are open to.

• Say what you want: write in your profile that you are looking for an FWB, so the right people find you and the wrong ones scroll past.
• Look for the badge: members who pass the free ID check carry a Verified badge, so ask about it before a first meet.
• Keep your details private: other members see your username and town, not your address or workplace.
• Meet in public first: our first date tips cover what to check before, during and after.

When you meet, have the conversation from the list above early. If you are both on the same page, the rest is easy.